i wud like the friends that i tell, to believe that i am well. believe that i will be well. to offer healing love energy if they can relate to that. if not to offer support and mean it. and to not think about me not being well. i want only positive vibes.
by support i mean hug me when i am upset or feel horrible. to hold me if i need to cry. to offer to take me to the hospital if i need to. to go to the surgeon’s office. or to any place that may be difficult for me to handle emotionally and on my own.
i dont feel i have all that. i had all that with lucy, my best pal up here but she is gone for 3 weeks because her father has, you guessed it, cancer. so she flew back to montreal with her son to be with him.
i dont really have a replacement, but like i told sigeely, the woman who does cranial sacral work on me, all my friends offer me something different.
yet lucy offered me everything she cud. and i cud speak to her about anything. my hopes my fears my view on death (without scaring her).
i even joked with her saying that i wudnt mind coming back in a different body. but then i thot – ‘but what body!?’, i did okay in this lifetime, what is up next time if i cast aside my cocoon now.
‘why mourn the cocoon
when the butterfly has flown’
a buddhist saying
funny how that all ties in now. it made sense when i went to costa rica after my mom died. i always thot of my mom when i saw the beautiful blue butterflies – the mariposa. and now i just came back from thailand where they believe our bodies are temporary. they are our vessel. everything is impermanent. and when i got back from my last trip from costa rica, i was using my mom’s computer that she passed to me and i realized that her icon beside her name was a blue butterfly. made me smile.
it is now a cat. a black kcat.
i do not want to hear other peoples’ horror stories. that is probably the response to the news of my cancer that i most dislike.
i already know enough about that with my mom having two different types of cancer. the first cancer experience i witnessed was when i was 15 and my friend wendy developed cancer. that was also the first major death i experienced. and with wendy, in the end, i cud smell death on her.
another response that i dislike came while i was waiting for test results: ‘modern medicine is really good now.’ that irked me. for one, i did not know the results so medicine was not even an issue then. i kept telling people all i know is ‘what is’ not ‘what if’.
i don’t really like the stock answers either, like ‘is there anything i can do to help’. i mean that isn’t bad but it bugs me. it seems impersonal and stock, like “what is a girl like you doing in a place like this?”
or people that hear my news and change the subject to ‘wow it is sunny outside isnt it?’ um, i am still sitting here and wudnt mind your support. support can be as simple and great as being listened to.