after the diagnostic mammogram, the ultra sound and then the biopsy (all booked by me) comes the waiting game. i think they said 5 days to a week. i had the biopsy on august 11th, i was told i wud get the results the following week. i got the results on august 24th – 13 days later.
while i was waiting i told a few close friends. it was interesting to hear their responses. i tried to choose carefully who to tell. lucy, al, helga, kenny, val, nat and sarah (oops). i was not sure i wud tell nat but i went to her bday party and stayed there the nite, and in the morning we had a good catch up chat on the couch and i told her. she said nothing, just listened, tho she never contacted me since to ask about the results. i also told jules who i barely know but we write emails to each other daily and i like his writing and he writes more fervently than me which i find hard to believe. when writing to him my thots just ooze out and he reciprocates.
and with all my friends i told them i am thinking about ‘what is’ not ‘what if’ and i dont want them thinking about ‘what if’ either. i also did not want to hear horror stories of people that they know that went thru cancer. i want them to just consider me well and i feel well till someone proves that different. and they did.
and i ask my mom’s spirit, ‘mom, am i alright.?
and she said ‘you will be alright.’
i will be alright?! but am i alright?!
i asked her that several times with the same reply.
that week when i was sposed to get the results back, i phoned the doc office. on thursday i called and asked to speak to doc french. they said they werent sure if the results were in but she wud call you if they are but if i am fine they wud not call me. huh?! no please call me either way.
i called again, becuz i had to work and wanted to find out before i worked, i let them know that. well, she will call if she can. huh?
well she did call at 5:20 and left a message on the voice mail i use saying cud i call back by 5:30. uh, no, i am at work like i told your office. i got home at 6:30 to that message.
the next day i am informed by lame doc office that doc french that was replacing my doc zed was being replaced by doc asia. oh great. and no one cud give me the results becuz doc asia wont be in till monday and the other doctors dont have the authority to take over my case (yet it gets bounced from one temp doc to another doc no problem). so i book an appt monday to see doc asia who i think i have never met before. i pray it is not a temp doc that took over in the past that had no caring manner whatsoever. i went home crying each time i saw her. please dont let it be her. surely they wud not have her back after i and others complained about her.
the weekend goes by. me wondering, waiting, contemplating. i tell my friend helga over the weekend that i had gone in for tests, she says she thinks i am fine. i tell her i am fine. but add, ‘wow, i can handle the wait, but imagine the people that cant. this is not right.’
on august 21st i had a dream that i logged into my journal. i dreamt i go to see the doctor and she tells me it is cancer.
on august 24th, i went into to see doc asia. i am in the room, she comes in and opens the file and reads it for what appears to be the first time and her first words were, ‘well, this is the worst.’ and then she goes on to tell me that it is indeed cancer and tells me the name of it as i write it down. right away she talks about surgery. huh? and getting into the cancer clinic rite away and getting an mri (still hasnt happened), getting a chest x-ray (i booked), and not to do too much research or worrying about it and the cancer clinic in vancouver is top notch. uh huh.
and then she said ‘you already knew this didnt you?’
‘no,’ i reply.
‘oh well this must be some news for you then.’
that lasted about 12 minutes. after 13 days of waiting.
the next steps the doc office were meant to arrange did not happen. i still dont know what is up with that. why do i not have an appointment at the cancer clinic, why dont i have a test for an mri booked? why do i not have a specialist working with me?
doc asia thot seeing the surgeon wud speed up the process and that is the last i heard from her and it has just been a tragic comedy of errors w/the doc office that i am fed up with. and i really want to ixnay them from my life, so that is my goal now. but i will have a little word with doc zed when, if ever, she returns.
so, the waiting game was interesting becuz it made me assess my life and i do like doing that. it made me think about my dreams, what i had accomplished, what i want to accomplish and why i am here. i am also not afraid of death. dying horribly i am not that keen on mind you, but death, it is like going home. maybe that is where my home is. maybe that is why i keep looking. i keep looking for the invisible home and the invisible man.
so far i have never felt at home anywhere on this earth. not even on the farm where i was raised. there are places that i lived and liked for different reasons. montreal is great, textured, lively. new york was cool at the time that i was living there when it was all gnarly and dangerous but it no longer appeals to me and is too big and too nice now. i still search for a place that feels like home.
i dont mind being home free. i love the opportunity to pick up and go somewhere without a piano tied to my ass. i thot after my next tropical trip, i wud plant myself somewhere. but where? is heaven home? and if home is where the heart is, look at what my heart is surrounded by.