this week was so jammed pack with stuff to do.  partly becuz i wanted to get to the root of things.  i wanted to explore other means of dealing with this disease before talking to the surgeon and i had to skej all that around work.

monday morning i had a dream that a younger guy was interested in me.  he was dark haired and cute.  he was kissing me.  i think i was sposed to be working.  my chest hurt so i was touching it.  the lump felt bigger.  i woke up but did not know if i touched my chest area for real or in my dream, but it did indeed hurt.

monday nite i went into west vancouver and went to rita’s past life regression class.  i had a regression of a life where i was stabbed in battle.  in that life time i also closed off my heart to love after losing a great love.  i rejoin this love in the spirit world when i die and leave my physical body.

tuesday i find out i did get an appointment with a doctor that specializes in c patients up here on the coast.  i heard she is good.  it was another drag to get my doc office to fax them a referral.  it ended up getting canceled on thursday because i have to get another referral to another doctor first and they have to refer me to her.  huh?  i am letting that go and will try for the hard ass asian doc to do that work for me i am too fatigued with it.

tuesday – work and then i hoped for yoga after.  i had a melt down at work when a coworker asked how i was.  that gets me, when people show signs of caring.  otherwise it is easy to sluff it off and say ‘i am fine’ but when someone looks into my eyes and shows me their empathy, then i get all welled up.  she knew something was up.

‘you okay hon?’ she asked.  i kind of indicated no.  and tried to hide my face from her and the mirrors up top surrounding the floor of the store.  and she added, ‘if you need to, go in the back.  you don’t have to be out here.’  that was kind of her. she is onto me.

and that day was my friend bob and david’s bday.  i wanted to celebrate both in some way.  emails and message to bob and i stopped in to see david after chatting with lucy.  i dropped in with a bottle of wine from work to lulu’s.  we opened it and start sipping and trying to juggle alone time between bouts of eden needing attention.  he stays up till 9:00 or 10:00 for some reason, like a hooligan.  i think we finish the bottle cuz i pick up another one and stop in to see david and toast his bday and have a nice chat.

wednesday i was a mess.  woke up at 5ish and cudnt get back to sleep.  i was hurt that dad hadnt called.  i was hungover from drinking wine with lucy and i just ached.  i bawled and bawled.  i was really angry and hurt.  lucy was leaving on thursday and i wud not have her support.  i felt like dad cud not even be bothered with me and i just felt really alone.  i had a long meltdown.  i think i even scared the cat.

at 9:00 i get a call for work.  i dont want to but i had considered working in madeira park cuz that wud be close to the monastery and then i cud pop in there after.  but my week is so jammed packed full of appointments (and disappointments) and life that i didnt think i cud pull that off too.  i said no sans guilt.  telling them i did not feel well that day and i did not.  i am glad because i just had an alone day which was great.  at nite i met up with lucy to say good bye.  and for some reason i am not as sad as i cud be.  i have accepted she is going.  i realize i have to reach out to other friends for support and not just rely on her.  but am i ready to?

i guess i called dad in there some time.  i tried the nite before and the line was busy – for hours.  wtf.  i thot either bro was still hanging about there and on the phone or dad was talking to his girlfriend.  that bugged me.  it had just been too long since he had called.  i told him about my results about a week ago and i was feeling bad about not calling him again and then i thot, he shud be calling me!  my inner voice said, give him the benefit of the doubt.

when i reached him i found out that my bro had left saturday and on sunday dad had an accident on his motorbike and injured his ankle and on monday he went into emergency to have it x-rayed and that nite he got a call that his cousin was dying of guess what, cancer.  so he was kind of designated to call the kin and so he was on the phone forever. maybe i got my days confused, maybe it was tuesday i called him.  does it matter?

i asked dad to send my paints via greyhound and described in detail what to pack.  i was so excited that he wud send them cuz i really need to paint and i miss my gear.  i tell him to send the little silver case, the one mom bot for me and it was almost a complete kit on its own.  i told him to ‘not’ send the oil paints which are in a plastic container and if some jars of paint fit in, go for it, but if they dont, it doesnt matter cuz they arent very good and some are even dried up.

i also asked for a pair of blundstone boots and described them and where to find them up in the spare room along with a tape recorder.  he was going to send the package on thursday which means it wud get into vancouver late and i wud have to hang out the entire day and try to pick it up before heading to catch the ferry.  it wud all happen within the nic of time getting to the last ferry of the nite 10:30, providing the greyhound bus arrived on time.

wed nite, i met w/lucy and she brot a coupla beers and we sat on the rocks on the pier and watched the sunset and said goodbye.  she loaned me a big amethyst and lent me back the purple eye pillow that i gave her when she was pregnant.  sweet.  i saw the eye patch and thot how beautiful and that is just what i needed not realizing it was one that i made.  there is lavendar inside and the weight of it feels so good on your eyes and the smell helps you relax.  i used it today during the time i attempted to nap.  and lucy and her partner and lil eden all put healing energy into the ameythst and it is here near me now.

thursday is jam pact.  i head into the city on the 8:30 ferry.   do a couple of errands, one, look for dead sara cd for bob – cudnt find one, and then i see daya the healer for an hour and a half.  i tape the session and it is probly 20 secs short of an hour and a half, the recording.  tho she did not look at a watch.  she was great and left me feeling hopeful and the pain in my chest ended up dissipating as well as the little muscle spasms that i get have gone away.

a short break, i meet my friend sr and tell him what is going on (i wish i hadnt).  i am in such a good mood and he gets all serious on me and is all caring and nice and i said, ‘i will be fine’.  and he does say, ‘if there is anything i can do . . ‘  which is okay.  but what can he do other than just be a good friend and he does that pretty well.  it was nice seeing him.

he searches on his new toy (an ‘i’ something) for how to get to my next location, doctor dark’s office.  i call her doctor darkness cuz she was dressed all in black, like for a funeral and she did not look happy and there was such a bleak vibe in that office.  when i get there my good vibes and hope are soon flying out the window.  i am told there will be a 20 to 30 minute wait so i tell her i will wait outside and ask when i shud come back and she told me in 40 minutes.  huh.

 

then the whole scenario with my doc office not getting the mamo to her on time and yagga yagga blech.  i wait for almost an hour and a half before i see her for about 14 minutes.  she hands me a cancer package.  a white plastic folder with a bunch of books about cancer.  this is the case i threw out into the yard yesterday once i realized everything dad sent me was wrong except the tape recorder and just out of sheer freakin frustration.

after doctor darkness, i see psychic elma, that went well.  she went on longer with her reading.  she figured i was just fine and we had a nice time together. she loved my genesha t-shirt cuz she is into this deity.  i actually bot her a purple batik of genesha from thailand but have not given it to her yet but I think when I do she will freak.

then i meet grouchy sarah and decide not to tell her.  i feign that everything is okay and she said ‘i knew you were fine’ which i wud rather her believe.  i cud not deal with her concern.  plus elma conspired with me that i shud not tell everyone and she said for the exact reasons that i chose this route.  ‘because not everyone is on your side.’  i want to tell people that can send out good vibes and thoughts and their healing energy.  i do not want to tell people that will think and believe the worst and that want to give me a label and do and say inappropriate things.

i do not want to tell my brother and his partner esp after she asked when i was coming to the farm because she thot ‘dad’ (she calls him that now i guess – wtf) cud only handle two days with us all there.  well, those are not ‘dad’s’ words.  in fact he said we are all welcome.  i emailed back to her and said i wud like to see all her kids and spoke to dad and he said we are all welcome.  i said that i thot it was hard on everyone to have a houseful and in the past i wud drive away to give and get some space.  i also said that i felt unwelcome after getting her email.  i also wrote that dad was bothered that bro speaks about me negatively.  he doesnt like to hear it from either one of us and i try not to do that.

so they went back and i did not.  dad says, ‘you will just have to work it out’.  and i said it is your house dad, you can make decisions on these things and he agreed on that.  anyhow this is all bullshit and leaves me feeling even more alone.  i wanted to see my dad in august and it got all fukt up and to hear those words from her really hurt me.  i feel like i am not even wanted at my dad’s place now and it is ‘his’ place.  i had originally emailed her asking when they wud be back becuz i wanted to spend time with idella.  she emails me and asks when i will be there so we arent there at the same time.  ‘for more than two days, for ‘dad’s’ sake.’  you mean for your sake.

after grouchy sarah, i went to the bus depot and waited around.  wrote in my journal in the waiting area outside.  teller guy inside said i wudnt be able to get it, that it goes to a shipping area and i said it was put on a bus this morning, cudnt it be on the bus coming in from the same area.  he said not sposed to take it rite off the bus but i went in and talked to some guys all charming and they looked after it for me.  but i was cutting the time to the deadline as i do.  i finally get the suitcase – it is so heavy – and bolt to get to the ferry bus and get on ferry exhausted from such a crazy ass ping pong emotional rollerbloodycoaster bloody day and home i go.  i do not open the suitcase till the next morning tho i had a bit of a peak at the bus station.  i opened it up and saw the boots inside ‘oh good my blundstones!’  i was glad i did not open it at nite because i wud not have been able to sleep.

i get home to a message from the specialist saying that she is canceling my appointment at the hospital (even tho they had insisted i take it becuz it was labeled ‘urgent’ and i warned work i may be late).  she says i need my incompetent doc office to send a referral to another specialist.  oh i fukn give up on this fukn system and my lame ass office.  i had a bath and went to bed exhausted.

in the morning i finally opened up the suitcase.  everything i asked dad to send he did not send.  all the things i told him to leave out, he sent.  he sent me my entire oil paints, which i dont use and esp not now becuz of the fumes.  he did not send the complete paint kit that mom had bot for me which also had a couple cool spare colors inside like aqua and purple and good brushes and a special finish that i like.  he did send a lot of jars of paint –  some of which are completely dried up and others that are house paint that i put into bottle so the color is not very pure.

i lost it.  tantrum.   i ask him to do something for me.  he does not ask if he can do anything for me, i ask him to do something for me and he got it completely backwards.  what the hell!  but then i think, well, at least i have the boots and the tape deck.  but i still have a tantrum first.

so i try to get on with my morning.  i am a wreck tho.  mad at everything.  i believe that is when the cancer book package from the doctor darkness went flying into the garden.  i get ready to go for a session with sigeely, who does cranial sacral work and i think i will go put on my boots at least.  they are such great boots.  i go to put them on and realize he even got that wrong.  he sent me a pair of fox & fleuvog shoes that do not even fit me.  they went flying into the garden too as i had another rage.  and i know it is going to rain that day.

and out the house i went all red eyed and late for my session just a complete train wreck.  sigeely put me back on track as much as she cud buddha bless her.  and then rite after i went all over gathering organic vegetables and looking for wheat grass up here and bot a wack of that to start my raw veg diet, which i was already on after speaking to daya.  i actually feel really clear becuz of it.  we shall see.  not sure when i will miss the filler stuff, but right now my body agrees with this regimen.

i came home, wanted a nap but had to clean up the mess i made throwing stuff about and clean my veg and fruit so that i can just eat them easily over this long weekend and laid down but did not sleep.

 

at 11:45 i got up and burnt my papers in the full moon and said a prayer for help from my angels and guides and here I am.  launched into a 3 day novel contest.  am i mad?  dont answer that.

saturday morning i get a call from work to come in.  i dont answer.  i wonder how they will address that.  i wonder how i will if they do.  i wud have really regretted not doing this. i dont like regrets, esp now

 

I am not afraid of death        
or of anything

recently i did one of those
tedious yet fun questionnaires
and it asked what i am afraid of
and i cud not think of anything
i thot it mite seem almost arrogant
but i cudnt honestly think of anything

there are things that

make me uncomfortable
and things that i dont want to do
becuz they are scary
and i dont like the idea
of suffocating (but who does)
but i cud not think of something
i was really afraid of
things that used to scare me
esp when i was younger
i liked confronting
becuz i liked the rush
it gave me

but if you refer to
‘ afraid of death’
yes i am not afraid
it will be like going home
yet i feel i wont be
going home for awhile
feels like i still have
things to do on this earth
yet recently i wonder
what the fuk that is
as i maintain
my ‘home free’ status
and am traveling about
on different continents
when the weather
gets nippy here
sigh . . .
which is almost now

i stopped being afraid of death
when i was thirteen and
lost consciousness
i was tobogganing on the farm
with my brother and my cousins
we were having a race
i had lent my sled to cyndee
and i used hers

mine was faster
and maneuvered
different than hers
i cudnt steer quite rite
the stump was the finish line
and well . . .
i hit the stump
then blank kinda
i was conscious yet not
i cud hear my cousin say
‘oooh look at her face’
so i knew i had
done damage there
and i cud hear the
other kids talking
and it seemed like
time had no time
i had visions
beautiful visions
that made me feel elated
and i said to myself
remember this
remember this
but when i came to
i cud not remember

the visions in particular
but i remember the feeling
and oddly it is much the same
as that blissful feeling
that my angels gave me
when i asked
for their guidance tonite
and yes there is
a connection

and when i was thirteen
i felt like if i died
i would go to this place
where i felt so good
it is like blissful peace

and chatting with all
the spirits i have
communicated with
over the years
probably since wendy died
and definitely when
my grandfather died
in the 80’s
has me believe
that it is not bad at all
i feel spirit smiles
right now

________________

 

i swear to god
the lump has changed
since i saw daya the healer
it no longer hurts for one
and it seems smaller

 

–

© 2018 Estate of Kat Kosiancic