Chapter 5: Why Me

yes it happens for a reason.  and with me i wondered wtf?  what the hell did i do wrong?  i think i live a healthy life style.  i do feel stress – self induced stress and i also know how to make it dissipate esp after living on the sunshine coast where life is slow and so many people are about healing here.  not only do people come to heal here but there a healers here.  and i did come up here to heal from grief the first round.  psychic henry’s prediction reiterated what i felt was my reality.  i wud be cancer free all my life.


i eat very well except when i traipse into vancouver where i eat what i call ‘hangover food’ – like pizza, samosas, and a bon breakfast perhaps (as in the infamous hangover weekend breakfast at bon’s restauraunt).  i drink some coffee and loads of wine – my two vices.

i am not my mother’s daughter.  i dont have to follow her footsteps.  just becuz she had cancer, does not mean that i have to.  we are separate entities.  we had very different approaches to life.  we have different experiences.  or do we?

scanning my lifestyle – i eat well, i am not too raucous, i do tend to be racing about trying to get too much done at once.  i try not to harbour bad feelings or emotions about things.  i do get angry, like the tantrums lately, tho i havent done that for years.  i have done mean things in the past.  they dont haunt me.  i feel i have forgiven myself for my ignorance.  but i do mean things in the present.  mostly with men i am seeing.  what is up with that?  maybe it is the issue of not letting love in.  resisting love.  i am good at pushing them away and them thinking it was their idea.  it is quite a method i have.  i just start being mean and who wants to be around that and then they break up with me and then i think, i am free.  i used to just move or skip the country, but then i mastered the mean method.

and i am not easy to live with.  not sure what to do about that cuz i dont have people to practice on.  and i am very impatient and i have no time in particular for incompetence, ignorance or prejudice.  oh, and i am a hardass.  do you like me yet?



after hearing the results of my test, i wondered how i was going to deal with things.  recently a friend told me he had cancer, stage 3.  he looked so distraught and at one point he said, ‘i still have things to do’.  of course you do, i thot.  i also thot of his lifestyle.  i dubbed him the viking.  he eats drinks and cavorts like a viking to me.

he loves good food, rich food, good and mediocre wine, booze of most sorts, lotsa meat dishes, laughter and women.  he is jolly with a booming radio voice and a big hearty laugh.  he is the size of a viking and has a body that likes to hug people.  he has long dark hair and a goatee.  he is so not my type,  yet i dated him for a short time due to his persistence.  i had decided not to drink wine or any alcohol at the time and i havent eaten meat for hmm, maybe 25 years, so we did not have that feasting celebratory time together that he so enjoys.  We’re now good friends.

i told lucy that if i was in his situation, i wud want to find out as much information as possible via tests and that i wud do everything i cud to be well.


i prefer to do that without having surgery and treatment.  i believe getting better without surgery is possible but i dont think that is a fool proof plan.  i will do a lot of alternative healing, and yet still i will have a date for surgery.  it takes so long to get in that i dont want to wait even longer if i do need it in the end.  on the other hand i would like to full on believe that i absolutely will heal without every having to have surgery and just go full tilt.  i guess surgery is plan b and i am still on plan a.  but to have a plan b to me sometimes means you may not really believe in plan a.

so in the next while, i plan to do a month’s session with daya the healer.  which means one session a week where i am at her place getting hands on (or off) healing, then she will give me a call once a week and we will do a session over the phone.  in between sessions she sends out healing energy to me.  she also monitors my food.  i am on a regimen of live food and green smoothies this week.  i think this will clean me and put oxygen into my system and blood stream.  i feel good about it and have good energy right now.  i still have to do more research myself but the info seems to come my way as well and the dots get connected.  i have trust in that too.

i will also continue having cranial sacral work by sigeely.  she is just a wonderful spirit and i do feel that it is helping me.  just having her nonjudging listening ear is helpful and seeing the real concern on her face as she speaks with me.


i have asked lyne to do yoga therapy w/me.  she offered reiki as well .  during her yoga classes i have always felt she has a healing touch, even her voice is soothing.  i love her yoga classes.  i feel at peace after and my body feels fluid.


i want to visit master henry’s monastery esp now since he has a retreat on.  i stopped in and he told me the times for meditation in his broken english and big smile.  he has beautiful energy too.

i wasnt sure about taking on a job right now.  but i needed a means of making travel  money to visit the tropics over our winter.  i never liked winter.  i love the sea and swimming and the sun and warmth.  and i connect with jungle life (i have had a few past lives that i recall where i lived in the jungle).  just not sure which jungle on my search for a home.

i have managed my life so i dont have responsibilities or anything to tie me down.  so i can go thru any door of opportunity that i choose.  my options are bountiful.

i love vancouver and have to pop in all the time to get my urban fix, but i had had enuff.  i needed to grieve and get away from the downtown eastside.  i was emotionally exhausted from working down there and then dealing with the deaths of three of the women featured in my documentary ‘ junkie shadow’.

i never mind being alone.  i like living alone.  but i do not like being sick alone.  god who does.


earlier this year while traveling to laos from thailand, alone, i got sick. i was in luang prabang, which is a beautiful city but part of it felt too western for me.  i got sick there and at the worst time because the whole city, the whole country was celebrating a type of new year called songkran and the way they celebrate is by splashing water on everyone all day for days.  bloody hell, what kind of celebration is that?  it is fun for the first splash or two but after that it is so overkill.

i got a stomach virus there.  i headed back to my hotel and told the hotel manager as i went up the stairs that i dont feel well.  i went and lied on my bed.  i hear a soft knock on my door.  i open it and he is there and asks how i am.  i think at this point i was burning up and told him that.  he asked if he cud touch my forehead (in these lands it is not cool to touch someone on the head).  i say yes.  he feels my temperature and he asks if he can take me to the clinic.  i say no, i just want to lay down.  he leaves and i lay down but then i get uncontrollable chills where i was just trembling, shaking from cold.  he came back up to check on me and see if i needed anything and i said i cud really use a blanket.  he brot a big white comforter.  wow.  it was perfect.  i got back into bed and had that wrapped around me and it felt so good. it helped that he was so kind and thoughtful.  bless him.  he did not know me and we had barely spoken any words to each other.  funny the line,“i have always depended on the kindness of strangers” pops into my head.  and i do.

my mom used to say she is good to other peoples’ kids becuz she knows someone will look after hers.